I will speak to her in Catalan

I will order exotic foods in languages appropriate to their request

I will watch her as she turns, swiftly, taking with her a smartly trained regiment of closely guarded smiles

I will discuss in her conspicuous absence, the nature of painting that the Ampurdan plain requires

I will mention knowingly her hungry demands for harshness in shadow and the likewise conspicuous absence of cadmium red, the cardiotoxin

I will be compelled to tell her dance instructor that the tango is beyond reproach, even from above (an attack far more common than most suppose)

If her mother is mentioned, I will quickly change the subject to the hereditary nature of madness and offer my theories (and welcome those of others) on the tension between the schools of nature and nurture

I will demonstrate, over mayonade and crepes, the fluid machinations taught by economists in the raucous 1930’s (Prague)

Black and Scholes will accompany me to the bar, where we will, as a single being, fill our glasses from decanters crafted from the dismantled spectacles of criminals executed at the Venetian Glassworks.


I have purchased human teeth in gross on the black market.

They are not for individual resale.


I will refer to organized labor as “ a 3rd class lever,” and defy anyone to weaken the metaphor.

I will feign interest in politics, until elected, whereupon I will swiftly dispose of the university system and establish in its place a series of labor camps devoted to perfecting the arts of terraforming and xenobotany.

I will bear the responsibility of the quality of the band.  If they cause any stir, it will be my stir.

I will bear this stir like a medallion lovingly awarded by the deposed leader of a former democracy who still mourns the loss of his wife.

I will dance, in manners appropriate for the songs offered, and only by request.

I will speak with an accent described by the finest linguists in the country, and three adjacent nations, as “wholly untraceable.”

I will be taller only than those whose height I exceed

I will seduce only the wives of those whose charm I exceed

I will incite only those riots from which I may escape in a dignified manner

I will be moved to tears by the minor fall and the major lift

I will hold the hand of my lover’s lover and decipher the hieroglyphics of chance

I will learn the secret language of his attraction. 

I will breathe the sounds of his breathing and take his heartbeat until a perfect mimic can be constructed.  This augmented breathing will both confuse and elate my lover, as she will be unable to determine which of her loves is beneath her.  His lies on my tongue and his touch from my hands will crush and enrage her.

I will speak to her in Catalan.