The beneficiary of this research would be my chimp. Equipped with the language, behaviour, and natural defenses of an artist, he could be unleashed into the strongholds of the urbane, the keeps of the intellectual elite, and the limitless expanses of the NSF’s funding depositories. His antics, however bizarre, would allow me to remain funded for at least a year. Done and done.
Sadly, this idea did not pan out either. The humane society got passed a little wind via the ASPCA grapevine. They claimed no creature possessing even the slightest hint of sentience should be made to experience a full year of coffee house/open mike/art opening/discriminating taste culture, and to subject our chimp to this would be considered a criminal act. Rather than be nightly accosted by the ASPCA’s crack sapiento-environmental anti-animal inconvenience squads, the ULU’s 4, I decided to locate a subject conspicuously free of any tremors of sentience, settling eventually on the handsome chap who inhabits my looking glass. I would become the artist myself. Given my previous work in the field5,6, I was a logical candidate for these studies as funding became available.